Sometimes things just don’t work out, and that has been the case for much of the first half of 2021. As we emerged from the pandemic, JoAnn was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer, and, a month later, passed away on April 3rd. Here’s the obituary I wrote a couple of days later. We were so happy, so in love. I’m devastated. She wanted me to find a way to move forward afterwards, and that is what I seek to do. This blog entry is a small part of my approach towards healing.
Grief is a difficult thing, hard to understand, hard to live with. They say it gets better, but I’ve not seen much improvement thus far. Here is a bit of info about grief that I found helpful. If you are suffering from the same, you might wander through some links from the above, looking for little kernels of hope or wisdom. I particularly like the first sentence there, “Grief is the shadow love casts in the light of loss.”
I wish, I wish this, I wish that. None of it can be. Someone who suffered similarly told me that grief is a giant onion, and you just gotta keep peeling – but the onion does not get so small as to disappear. Time, I’ve come to understand, does not heal all wounds. But with time, we can learn to carry, with perhaps a bit more grace, the things that come along with us through life. I’m so sick of the sadness, the crying, the little cues that unexpectedly send me spiraling down. Sick of feeling. But there is beauty in it as well. This grief will always be a part of me, as I seek to be out among people, doing things, seeing the world, making new connections, and finding my way such as I am able. Peeling the onion.
